When tragic things happen in life; divorce, loss of job or home, death of a loved one, we all have a right to grieve. What we shouldn’t waste time doing, however, is feeling sorry for ourselves. I am ashamed to admit that I have spent a lot of time doing that recently.

I have had a lot of changes in my life over the past few years. From my son being diagnosed with Autism to losing my sister to cancer last year, I have had reason for grieving. But, I have let that grief spiral. It has led me down a very dark path. I have almost completely lost my faith in God. In all the self-pity, I have become the kind of person that looks to others for validation for my self-worth. I am constantly looking to others for my happiness.  It has made me really dislike me.  I don’t want to be this person anymore.

I made it to mass today and during the homily, the priest said that all the 7 deadly sins stem from pride. I’m not sure if I completely agree with that but it made me think about my behavior lately. In the past week alone I have been guilty of many of these sins.

I have definitely felt envy. As I started this blog just over a week ago, I have since started comparing my writing abilities to everyone I know and feeling I come up short.

I have been greedy in the sense that I can never seem to get enough validation from others these days. I have been desperately getting online every hour or so to check to see if anyone has responded or commented.

And in the past couple of years, I have been lazy in my spiritual growth. I have been emotionally inactive. I have reneged on my spiritual obligations.

Lastly, instead of accepting what has happened and finding a productive way to deal with it, I’ve let myself become angry.  Angry with God and turning away from Him instead of letting Him guide me through it.

When mass ended today, I had a long talk with God. The first one I have had in a very long time where I wasn’t angry and just accusing Him of causing all my misery. I am finally ready to take responsibility for my own feelings.  I am tired of depending on everyone else for my happiness. It’s exhausting.  I have too much in my life to be happy about to waste my time in this self- inflicted misery.

Who cares if I don’t write as well as others? I like doing it. I’m going to let myself enjoy it.  I will check my comments of course but, I will enjoy them when they come. I will stop assuming that if there are no comments that it means no one cares.

I have already started working on my spiritual growth. Being able to admit all of this to myself, let alone admitting it to others, is a good start.

I am so very, very tired of being angry.  I just can’t waste any more energy on being angry over things I cannot change.  I know I have a long way to go but, for the first time in a very long time, I am truly hopeful.

Ok, I’m not sure who is reading my posts but… if you have, then you know my ice cream/Lent story.  Either life is really coincidental or God really is trying to tell me something.

So, my boys never ask for ice cream. I mean, never. We have been to Dairy Queen 2 times in their entire lives so it’s not like we even make regular trips there. Nor do we keep ice cream in the house. But today, we get to gymnastics and as Jacob was taking off his coat he looks up and says, “Mommy, can we go to Dairy Queen after gymnastics and get ice cream?” I asked him, “What made you think of that?” He didn’t respond but he asked again if we could go. I told him we could and then asked him what kind he wanted. Before he could answer, Christopher chimed up and said, “I want chocolate!”

So, as I’ve previously mentioned, I have lost my way on the path to God lately. I decided I would start this Lenten season to try to find my way back. If the way things went tonight is any indication of where I’m headed, I may be in trouble.

I decided to go to a church I have not attended yet. The one closest to my house left a bad taste in my mouth last Ash Wednesday by telling the congregation that they were not welcome to take communion if they haven’t been to mass in a year or more. Sorry, I think that’s just wrong. Would Christ have told me I couldn’t partake just because I hadn’t been there for a while?  My guess is no.

This year, I got to mass early because I knew it was going to be full. I sat at the end of the pew sort of in the middle, not too close, not too far back. After a few minutes, the church started to fill up. The pew I was in filled up too, but not to the point of having no room; until the family that came in after mass started. There was enough room on the pew, but they didn’t slide in enough. Instead, they had space for about 3 people between them and the family next to them. They decided not to scoot in but to scoot me out. I ended up sitting on the edge of the pew, half my rear end on the other half sort of hanging. Here’s how messed up I am: I was afraid to move because I thought it might offend them! So, I sat there, like an idiot; uncomfortable and nervous.

Mass begins… in Spanish. Now, I had called the church at about 3:00 in the afternoon and asked what the mass schedule was for today. When I called, I did not speak Spanish, nor did the woman who answered the phone. Couldn’t she have mentioned that the 7:30 mass was in Spanish? But, I waited it out, not knowing exactly what to do. Again, what does this say about me? Fortunately, there were parts of it in English. But the homily was in Spanish.

(Side note: While I sat there, unable to understand 95% of what was being said, I started people watching. I noticed quite a few adults chewing gum. Chewing gum… in mass. What are they going to do with it during communion? Clearly, they didn’t spend enough time around nuns as kids. And, even more clearly, they never met a nun like Sister Maria from IC. I think that woman would have slapped the gum right out of your mouth!!! )

When it came time for communion, the entire row I was sitting in did not get up. Instead of trying to walk all the way down the pew past everyone, I decided to walk all the way to the back of the church and walk around. I finally get to communion and I’m holding out my hands to accept it and the Eucharistic minister started reaching for my mouth anyway. So, I reach my hands up higher for him to see, he’s still leaning in for my mouth but then notices my hands. He then starts this dance back and forth from my mouth to my hand, finally decides against it and reaches for my mouth again. I caved and leaned in to take it orally. At this point, all I can think is, “I can’t wait to get out of here.”

I walked directly out the door, to the parking lot and drove home where my poor husband got to listen to me cry about the whole thing. (Poor Jim, he puts up with so much!) I don’t know what my next move is here. I guess I will try yet another church. I am not ready to give up completely… but tonight felt like a total bust.  Is God trying to tell me something???

The season of Lent. When I was a kid, we were always encouraged to give up something that we really enjoyed. I wasn’t always so good about following the rules but I had enough Catholic guilt that, when I broke those rules, I felt horrible until I confessed. Not that I went to confession to do this, I usually found a friend to confess to. Like, when I was in the fourth grade, I gave up chocolate ice cream for Lent.  About 2 ½ weeks into it, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I snuck up the street to Dairy Queen and bought myself a chocolate ice cream cone.  I was too afraid to eat it there, assuming someone would see me and I would get caught. So, I ran home and hid behind our neighbor’s garage to eat it. By the time I got there, it was almost completely melted, but I chowed it down as fast as I could, ice cream dripping down my arm and onto my sleeve. I was able to make it into the house and upstairs to the bathroom without being seen… a clean getaway, so to speak.

That afternoon, I was feeling so guilty that I went up the street to my friend Linda’s house and told her. Her response?  “You could go to hell for doing that, you know?” It was comforting.  Needless to say, I wasn’t going to church to confess that lest the priest confirm this information.

I’ve grown up enough to realize that’s not what it’s all about.  It’s not about whether or not I can go 40 days without chocolate ice cream. It is a season of penance and atonement and giving alms.  In his 2014 message for Lent, Pope Francis said, “we could also say that there is only one real kind of poverty: not living as children of God and brothers and sisters of Christ.” I find myself seriously lacking in this capacity most days of my life.

I have struggled with my faith quite a bit the last couple of years. I’ve been trying to find my way back but it has not been an easy journey. My hope for myself (and for anyone else feeling this way) is that, this Lenten season,  I’ll be able to make a little more time for prayer, a little more time for reflection and try to see and appreciate God’s grace in my life and see that He has blessed me and that I am not alone.  I have many great things in my life. I have two beautiful boys and a wonderful husband who adores me. I have a roof over my head and food to feed my family.  I am blessed. This Lenten season, I truly want to try to live more like a child of God.  I will pray for myself but I will also pray for others. Maybe that is the best way I can give alms this Lent. I will try to do more but I think it’s a good start. (I’ll also make a point of staying away from Dairy Queen.)

May you all be able to see God’s blessings in your life, now and throughout the year.

I love, love, love, love, love Cate Blanchett.  The first movie I ever saw her in was “Elizabeth” and I completely fell in love with her. I have adored every movie she’s been in ever since.  (Especially enjoyed her portrayal of Bob Dylan.) Besides being a beautiful and phenomenal actress, every interview of her I’ve seen she is so graceful and gracious. So, seeing her win that Oscar last night was fantastic.  And, I loved her speech… Julia Roberts laughed so even the little catty remark about “#suckit” must have been some inside joke to which we weren’t privy. But, that aside, I thought her acceptance speech was sincere and heartfelt.

But, the true hero of the evening for me was Jared Leto.  I haven’t seen much of him since “My So Called Life,” and I haven’t seen “Dallas Buyers Club.” But his speech was so moving.  Talk about gracious and sincere! It was so refreshing to see him make that moment about others. And, I loved seeing his mother’s reaction. It’s funny how much my perspective of things has changed since having children of my own. No matter what my boys grow up to do or be, I hope that they have that much courage and conviction to stand up for what they believe. And I desperately hope that I am the kind of mother that encourages that behavior.  Kudos to you, Jared Leto.  Fantastic speech.

Going to a parade; most kids love them.  Christopher couldn’t wait to get there. For Jacob, it was a source of terror. As we were getting ready to leave Saturday morning, Jacob came over to me and said, “Mommy, you and I can stay home and Christopher and Daddy can go. I’ll stay home and work on letters with you instead.” I put my arms around him and gave him that soothing squeeze that helps calm him and then I told him, “I will be right there beside you. If you don’t like it, we can leave. But let’s give it a try, ok?” He reluctantly agreed.

For my son with Autism, being in large crowds is very difficult. Loud noises are frightening and overwhelming. But there is no getting through life without crowds and noise. Jim and I do everything we can to help Jacob learn to cope with these types of outings, trying to help him find the joy in being with other people.

So, we packed up our snacks and talked about how exciting it was going to be. Once we were in the car, Jacob actually started to get a bit excited about it, too.  But, by the time we reached the office, things started to change.

When we stepped into the lobby, there were about 100 people standing around, talking and laughing. Jacob’s hands flew up to his ears, shoving his little fingers in as far as he could to block out the noise.  He started to shiver, teeth chattering, eye’s wide with terror. These are all things Jim and I have come to expect when we have Jacob in some social situations.

When this happens, we find ways to distract him. Saturday, it was a row of candy machines sitting on the counter in the lobby. Jacob was thrilled to find one filled with M&M’s. So, we gave him a little Dixie cup and let him fill it up. Fear forgotten, he got his candy and found a smile. He adjusted to the crowd in the office after a few minutes. He even ended up running around with his brother and exploring, though he was sure to keep a close eye on me and Jim to make sure we stayed close. When any of Jim’s co-workers approached him and asked him questions, Jacob would look them in the eye and answer, hands at his side, not plugging his ears.  The first challenge was met with success. That in itself was a huge victory.

When it was time to head to the parade, Jacob made the long 6 block walk down to the parade line up. But when we got down to where all the activity was, he could only stand it for about 25 minutes. That’s a long time for a little boy who has difficulty tolerating loud noises. Another big victory for Jacob. The crowd was loud, laughing and talking. Jacob was surrounded by hundreds of people and so much stimulation. There were marching bands warming up and Irish Step dancers practicing, police cars, motorcycles, fire engines. It was just too much. He looked up at Jim and said, “I don’t like it. I need to go back to your office, can we, please?”  He tried. Jim’s answer, “Sure, buddy. We made a promise and we’re going to keep it.” They started walking back and Jacob said, “Can you carry me, please?” So, Jim put him up on his back and carried him for those 6 blocks.

Christopher and I enjoyed the parade while Jim and Jacob went back to the now empty, quiet office. They worked on letters, Jim naming a letter and asking Jacob to give him words that start with that letter. Jacob did very well. He might not have made it to the parade, but, he gave it a shot. He met an overwhelming crowd and didn’t panic.  No tears, no meltdown. In our world of coping with Autism, we call that a huge success.  Jacob’s reward?  We did one of his favorite things after the parade. We went to the airport and watched planes land.  His day ended with a smile and happiness. Being able to make our boys smile; we call that a complete success.