So, as I’ve previously mentioned, I have lost my way on the path to God lately. I decided I would start this Lenten season to try to find my way back. If the way things went tonight is any indication of where I’m headed, I may be in trouble.

I decided to go to a church I have not attended yet. The one closest to my house left a bad taste in my mouth last Ash Wednesday by telling the congregation that they were not welcome to take communion if they haven’t been to mass in a year or more. Sorry, I think that’s just wrong. Would Christ have told me I couldn’t partake just because I hadn’t been there for a while?  My guess is no.

This year, I got to mass early because I knew it was going to be full. I sat at the end of the pew sort of in the middle, not too close, not too far back. After a few minutes, the church started to fill up. The pew I was in filled up too, but not to the point of having no room; until the family that came in after mass started. There was enough room on the pew, but they didn’t slide in enough. Instead, they had space for about 3 people between them and the family next to them. They decided not to scoot in but to scoot me out. I ended up sitting on the edge of the pew, half my rear end on the other half sort of hanging. Here’s how messed up I am: I was afraid to move because I thought it might offend them! So, I sat there, like an idiot; uncomfortable and nervous.

Mass begins… in Spanish. Now, I had called the church at about 3:00 in the afternoon and asked what the mass schedule was for today. When I called, I did not speak Spanish, nor did the woman who answered the phone. Couldn’t she have mentioned that the 7:30 mass was in Spanish? But, I waited it out, not knowing exactly what to do. Again, what does this say about me? Fortunately, there were parts of it in English. But the homily was in Spanish.

(Side note: While I sat there, unable to understand 95% of what was being said, I started people watching. I noticed quite a few adults chewing gum. Chewing gum… in mass. What are they going to do with it during communion? Clearly, they didn’t spend enough time around nuns as kids. And, even more clearly, they never met a nun like Sister Maria from IC. I think that woman would have slapped the gum right out of your mouth!!! )

When it came time for communion, the entire row I was sitting in did not get up. Instead of trying to walk all the way down the pew past everyone, I decided to walk all the way to the back of the church and walk around. I finally get to communion and I’m holding out my hands to accept it and the Eucharistic minister started reaching for my mouth anyway. So, I reach my hands up higher for him to see, he’s still leaning in for my mouth but then notices my hands. He then starts this dance back and forth from my mouth to my hand, finally decides against it and reaches for my mouth again. I caved and leaned in to take it orally. At this point, all I can think is, “I can’t wait to get out of here.”

I walked directly out the door, to the parking lot and drove home where my poor husband got to listen to me cry about the whole thing. (Poor Jim, he puts up with so much!) I don’t know what my next move is here. I guess I will try yet another church. I am not ready to give up completely… but tonight felt like a total bust.  Is God trying to tell me something???

The season of Lent. When I was a kid, we were always encouraged to give up something that we really enjoyed. I wasn’t always so good about following the rules but I had enough Catholic guilt that, when I broke those rules, I felt horrible until I confessed. Not that I went to confession to do this, I usually found a friend to confess to. Like, when I was in the fourth grade, I gave up chocolate ice cream for Lent.  About 2 ½ weeks into it, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I snuck up the street to Dairy Queen and bought myself a chocolate ice cream cone.  I was too afraid to eat it there, assuming someone would see me and I would get caught. So, I ran home and hid behind our neighbor’s garage to eat it. By the time I got there, it was almost completely melted, but I chowed it down as fast as I could, ice cream dripping down my arm and onto my sleeve. I was able to make it into the house and upstairs to the bathroom without being seen… a clean getaway, so to speak.

That afternoon, I was feeling so guilty that I went up the street to my friend Linda’s house and told her. Her response?  “You could go to hell for doing that, you know?” It was comforting.  Needless to say, I wasn’t going to church to confess that lest the priest confirm this information.

I’ve grown up enough to realize that’s not what it’s all about.  It’s not about whether or not I can go 40 days without chocolate ice cream. It is a season of penance and atonement and giving alms.  In his 2014 message for Lent, Pope Francis said, “we could also say that there is only one real kind of poverty: not living as children of God and brothers and sisters of Christ.” I find myself seriously lacking in this capacity most days of my life.

I have struggled with my faith quite a bit the last couple of years. I’ve been trying to find my way back but it has not been an easy journey. My hope for myself (and for anyone else feeling this way) is that, this Lenten season,  I’ll be able to make a little more time for prayer, a little more time for reflection and try to see and appreciate God’s grace in my life and see that He has blessed me and that I am not alone.  I have many great things in my life. I have two beautiful boys and a wonderful husband who adores me. I have a roof over my head and food to feed my family.  I am blessed. This Lenten season, I truly want to try to live more like a child of God.  I will pray for myself but I will also pray for others. Maybe that is the best way I can give alms this Lent. I will try to do more but I think it’s a good start. (I’ll also make a point of staying away from Dairy Queen.)

May you all be able to see God’s blessings in your life, now and throughout the year.

I love, love, love, love, love Cate Blanchett.  The first movie I ever saw her in was “Elizabeth” and I completely fell in love with her. I have adored every movie she’s been in ever since.  (Especially enjoyed her portrayal of Bob Dylan.) Besides being a beautiful and phenomenal actress, every interview of her I’ve seen she is so graceful and gracious. So, seeing her win that Oscar last night was fantastic.  And, I loved her speech… Julia Roberts laughed so even the little catty remark about “#suckit” must have been some inside joke to which we weren’t privy. But, that aside, I thought her acceptance speech was sincere and heartfelt.

But, the true hero of the evening for me was Jared Leto.  I haven’t seen much of him since “My So Called Life,” and I haven’t seen “Dallas Buyers Club.” But his speech was so moving.  Talk about gracious and sincere! It was so refreshing to see him make that moment about others. And, I loved seeing his mother’s reaction. It’s funny how much my perspective of things has changed since having children of my own. No matter what my boys grow up to do or be, I hope that they have that much courage and conviction to stand up for what they believe. And I desperately hope that I am the kind of mother that encourages that behavior.  Kudos to you, Jared Leto.  Fantastic speech.

Going to a parade; most kids love them.  Christopher couldn’t wait to get there. For Jacob, it was a source of terror. As we were getting ready to leave Saturday morning, Jacob came over to me and said, “Mommy, you and I can stay home and Christopher and Daddy can go. I’ll stay home and work on letters with you instead.” I put my arms around him and gave him that soothing squeeze that helps calm him and then I told him, “I will be right there beside you. If you don’t like it, we can leave. But let’s give it a try, ok?” He reluctantly agreed.

For my son with Autism, being in large crowds is very difficult. Loud noises are frightening and overwhelming. But there is no getting through life without crowds and noise. Jim and I do everything we can to help Jacob learn to cope with these types of outings, trying to help him find the joy in being with other people.

So, we packed up our snacks and talked about how exciting it was going to be. Once we were in the car, Jacob actually started to get a bit excited about it, too.  But, by the time we reached the office, things started to change.

When we stepped into the lobby, there were about 100 people standing around, talking and laughing. Jacob’s hands flew up to his ears, shoving his little fingers in as far as he could to block out the noise.  He started to shiver, teeth chattering, eye’s wide with terror. These are all things Jim and I have come to expect when we have Jacob in some social situations.

When this happens, we find ways to distract him. Saturday, it was a row of candy machines sitting on the counter in the lobby. Jacob was thrilled to find one filled with M&M’s. So, we gave him a little Dixie cup and let him fill it up. Fear forgotten, he got his candy and found a smile. He adjusted to the crowd in the office after a few minutes. He even ended up running around with his brother and exploring, though he was sure to keep a close eye on me and Jim to make sure we stayed close. When any of Jim’s co-workers approached him and asked him questions, Jacob would look them in the eye and answer, hands at his side, not plugging his ears.  The first challenge was met with success. That in itself was a huge victory.

When it was time to head to the parade, Jacob made the long 6 block walk down to the parade line up. But when we got down to where all the activity was, he could only stand it for about 25 minutes. That’s a long time for a little boy who has difficulty tolerating loud noises. Another big victory for Jacob. The crowd was loud, laughing and talking. Jacob was surrounded by hundreds of people and so much stimulation. There were marching bands warming up and Irish Step dancers practicing, police cars, motorcycles, fire engines. It was just too much. He looked up at Jim and said, “I don’t like it. I need to go back to your office, can we, please?”  He tried. Jim’s answer, “Sure, buddy. We made a promise and we’re going to keep it.” They started walking back and Jacob said, “Can you carry me, please?” So, Jim put him up on his back and carried him for those 6 blocks.

Christopher and I enjoyed the parade while Jim and Jacob went back to the now empty, quiet office. They worked on letters, Jim naming a letter and asking Jacob to give him words that start with that letter. Jacob did very well. He might not have made it to the parade, but, he gave it a shot. He met an overwhelming crowd and didn’t panic.  No tears, no meltdown. In our world of coping with Autism, we call that a huge success.  Jacob’s reward?  We did one of his favorite things after the parade. We went to the airport and watched planes land.  His day ended with a smile and happiness. Being able to make our boys smile; we call that a complete success.

I read somewhere that the years of childhood fly by, but the minutes of a single day feel like they just stop.  I find that to be so true. There are days I stand in my bedroom in the morning thinking, “What am I going to do with them today.” I try to be a fun mom, a mom who plays games and reads books and plays out side and does crafts. We do all of those things. But there are days when I think I just can’t play one more game of trains and cars. I can’t do one more craft.

I love being home with my boys but it is exhausting. I spend my days wiping noses, wiping butts, doing laundry, doing dishes. It seems like the minute I get the kitchen cleaned up, someone is asking for something else to eat. The minute I get all the laundry washed and put away, someone has an accident. The minute I get the floor swept or mopped, something gets spilled. It’s never ending. Some days, I look at the clock and think, “My gosh, it’s only 8:45 in the morning!” Only to look at the clock an hour later and realize, it’s really only been 15 minutes. The days drag. The minutes crawl. But, the years do fly by. My baby, my youngest is going to be 4 in less than a month. How did that happen?

When Christopher was a newborn Jim and I took both boys out to lunch. As Jacob, who was just 19 months old, was running all over the restaurant, I held Christopher in my arms, trying to unpack a bottle, a jar of baby food, searching around in the diaper bag for Jacob’s spoon and then realizing Christopher needed a diaper change. I looked up at Jim and said, “I can’t wait for the day when we can just leave the house without a diaper bag, without having to make sure I have a bottle and baby food and special baby spoons and diapers. When we can just go to a restaurant, sit down, order food and everyone can feed themselves. Or get in the car and go anywhere and know we won’t have to turn around because we forgot something.”

My brother-in-law put it perfectly. He told us, “You are in the eye of the hurricane. Wait until they get to be about 3, when they are potty trained. It makes all the difference. Life does get easier.” I remember thinking we’d never get there but, that day came more quickly than I ever thought it could. Both of my boys can feed themselves. They can order just about anything on a menu and neither of them wears diapers anymore.

It does get easier. With each passing day they become more and more independent.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and I know it is not an oncoming train. As I said, the years do fly. And I want to cherish every moment of them while they are little. There will come a time when I might not be their favorite person, a time when they won’t both crawl up into my lap after a day of play. I realize this. And I know I made the right decision staying home with them. Much of the time I do enjoy them. But there are days that feel never ending.

I love watching my boys and seeing how much they behave like my husband and me.  One story my   sisters-in-law have told me about Jim was how he would push his belly out as far as he could because he knew it grossed them out but it also made them laugh. Christopher started doing that the other day. It was hilarious, made even funnier by the fact that he kept doing it and laughing because we were laughing. (At one point, he was laughing so hard his belly wasn’t pushed out at all but, he was so pleased with himself that Jim and I kept laughing anyway!)

Christopher is also very much like me in that he collects stuffed animals. They are like a part of him. He can’t go anywhere without at least one of his “friends.”  For my 10^th birthday, my mom took me shopping so I could spend my birthday money on whatever I wanted. I chose this hideous stuffed monkey. My mom tried to talk me out of it but I was persistent. I was going to have that ugly little monkey.When we got home, I dressed it up in a dress and he earned a place of honor on my bed. (Yes, I claimed it was a he but still insisted he wear a dress.) Like Christopher, I was also one of those kids that collected stuffed animals. I got them all situated just right before I went to bed each night. Then I would snuggle down in between them to go to sleep.

So, when I walk into Christopher’s room and find him stacking up all of his stuffed animals on his bed, insisting that they all be there, it makes me laugh. I was so very serious about my stuffed animals. I love seeing just how much like me Christopher is now. The difference is that he also insists on sleeping with a matchbox car. He chooses a different one every couple of days. He holds them in his chubby little hand while his 3 Pooh Bears are horseshoed around his head, all the other animals arranged nicely by his feet. It is so incredibly sweet to see.

My boys may be extremely rambunctious and they certainly keep me hopping. They fight, they bicker, they wrestle, they dump every toy out of the toy box before finding the right one and make a big mess. But, they also like to sit on my lap at night, reading stories or telling me about their day, Christopher twirling a finger in my hair, Jacob holding onto my hand. Walking into Christopher’s room after he’s asleep and seeing him all cuddled up with his animals makes me realize, yes, being a parent is exhausting at times. But, at the end of the day, I couldn’t imagine my life without them.

Lord, just help me remember that tomorrow when the chaos starts all over again.

My boys go to gymnastics every Wednesday and Thursday afternoon.  Jacob is home from school about 11:30. I give him a few minutes to play then we have lunch and then head to gymnastics.  To be on time, we need to leave our house by 12:45 at the latest. I start doing the potty break round up about 12:20. It takes me about 60 seconds for me to pee and wash my hands. It takes my boys about 20 minutes.

The potty break round up starts with me saying, “Ok, before we leave, everyone must use the potty.” We have 2 ½ bathrooms in our house. The boys then begin to argue over who is going to use which bathroom.  Who is going upstairs and who is staying downstairs and who is using the big blue bathroom and who is using the white bathroom (aka, Mommy’s bathroom).

Once we have established who is using which bathroom, the boys head upstairs. (Because, yes, the result is almost ALWAYS the same… Jacob uses the blue bathroom and Christopher uses the white bathroom… however, they still have the same discussion every single time it’s time for potty breaks… but I digress.)

As both boys are heading upstairs, each one is scrambling to be the first one up, which means they are pushing each other out of the way to get there. I don’t have enough gray hair, right? I get to stand there, hand on my chest, waiting for one to come tumbling back down. Once they are up, they then start the discussion again about who is heading where.  Decision made again, Jacob heads to the blue one, Christopher to the white. They then proceed to holler from room to room to each other about exactly what they are doing on the potty.  “I’m putting the seat up, Christopher!” “I’m pointing my peepee down Jacob so my pee goes in the potty!” And so on.

After they describe in detail how they went to the bathroom, the mad scramble for the step stool begins. We keep it in the main bathroom. One would think Christopher would catch on after all this time that he’s just not going to get to it first since he’s in the other bathroom.  I hear toilets flush and then Christopher’s feet scrambling down the hall as he’s yelling, “NO! I have to use the stool!”  During Christopher’s mad dash to the blue bathroom, I hear the step stool scrape across the bathroom floor, Jacob already giggling because he knows he’s won the race.

At this point, I head upstairs, and find both boys trying to stand together on the stool as they push each other’s hands out of the running water, resulting in water being splashed all over the bathroom counter and floor.   By now it’s usually 12:45. We still need to put on shoes.

The lesson here?  I need to start the mad potty dash much sooner.

My first blog! Ok, I decided for my first I should say a little more about myself. I am originally from Ohio and moved here about a year after my husband and I got married. We lived in DC until I get pregnant with my first baby. We bought a house in Maryland (they accepted the offer the day my son was born!) and have been here 5 years. I have 2 beautiful boys; Jacob is 5 1/2 and Christopher will be 4 in a couple of weeks. (They are almost 18 months apart to the day).

I became a stay-at-home mom after Jacob was diagnosed with Autism. We decided it would be best for him (and me and Christopher) for me to spend more time at home with him, helping him be all that he can be. It has made a world of difference. By the time he was 3 he started talking and he has made leaps and bounds ever since. (We have also had a team of wonderful therapists and teachers helping us but… more on that later, lest this become a 15 page first post!)

That’s the short version… but, I think that’s enough for now. I am not exactly sure how this works… I am just going to go about this whatever way works best for me. I might post a couple of times through the day and there may be some days I don’t post anything. (But, I love to share stories about my boys so I doubt that will happen often.)

Having said that, welcome to my blog! I hope I can make some of you smile along the way.