When my grandfather died I was only 24 years old. It was the first family member I had ever lost. It was devastating and I grieved more than I thought possible. I believe he reached out to me in my dreams to comfort me. I have had this discussion with my younger sister, Amy, and she has said the same thing. We have shared stories with each other about incredibly loving and heartwarming dreams we have had of Papa. It gave me some peace in my time of grieving for him.

Since my sister died, I had hoped I would have those types of dreams about her as well. In the dreams I had of Papa, it felt as though he was telling me that he was alright; that I was going to be alright and that he will always be there for me.  For the first few weeks after losing my sister, I would go to sleep each night just waiting for those dreams to come. When they never did, I finally stopped wishing for them.

She has only been gone a little over a year now. I still miss her terribly and think about her often. But, the overwhelming feeling of grief seems to have passed. Again, I still miss her but it isn’t quite the same.  It isn’t quite as gut wrenching anymore. Time marches on, I guess and, while things will never be the same without her, I think I have finally gotten used to the idea that she is no longer with us.

Two days ago, however, I was driving in the car by myself after dropping the boys off at camp when Tom Petty’s “Don’t Do Me Like That” came on the radio. I felt Chris rush around me like a tidal wave and I just started crying. I cried so hard I had to pull over and park. The funny thing is that Chris wasn’t even a big fan of Tom Petty. My sister, Amy, and I are the big Tom Petty fans. But, we had a surprise party for Chris’s 50^th birthday just four months before she died. The day of the party, Amy and I had to hide out so Chris didn’t know we were in town. So, we spent most of the day at the Italian American club, just hanging out and decorating. An hour or so before the party, we drove to the store together to get some last minute items and decided to sit in the parking lot and listen to music for a bit. What were we listening to? My Tom Petty’s Greatest Hits CD.

We decided we would listen to one song then head back inside. Then that song ended and another one began and we looked at each other and said, “Ok, one more song.” That happened for about five songs. We were having a blast just rocking out to Tom Petty in that parking lot, singing and laughing, the speakers of my Camry cranked as loud as they could go.

I’ve listened to Tom Petty many, many times since then and, while I have remembered that moment with Amy, it has never had that kind of effect on me.  But, I believe Chris was watching me because, last night, I finally had the dream I’d been waiting for.

In my dream, she called me on the phone. I knew the moment I heard her voice that it couldn’t be her; that she was no longer here. Jim was standing next to me and I told him, “It’s Chris! But, it can’t be Chris!” Jim just looked at me and whispered, “Just listen to her.” She was laughing and talking to me about nothing, just like we had when she was alive. But after only a couple moments she said to me, “I have to go now but I’m ok.” I tried to get her to keep talking but she just said again, “No, I have to go now but I’m ok.” I believe with all my heart that she was finally reaching out to me because, the one thing I was most worried about after she passed was, “Was she ready to let go and is she alright?” I’m sure a lot of people feel that way after losing a loved one but, she fought so incredibly hard and had so much faith that she was going to beat her cancer that I’ve always worried about that. Was she finally ready to let go or was she lost somewhere, wondering what happened to her? I feel like I finally have my answer.